…middah…

Monday, November 02, 2009 12:51

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

I had just wasted one whole week studying for a crappy exam. I had just waster $100++ for a crappy exam. I had just skipped at least 3 classes for a crappy exam.

And because of it all, I now know that my plate is too full, overflowing, and worse, my academics are the ones that had to be sacrificed.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry ma, ayah.

I’m sorry cikgu2.

I’m sorry kawan2.

I’m sorry MARA.

I’m sorry semua orang yang has brought me here. I’ve failed all of you.

I’ve been so unfair. But I can’t be selfish.

So how?

I had just finished my third actuarial exam, Modeling in Financial Economics (MFE). Guess what? No one is going to believe if I say that I failed that exam. Mesti semua orang kata, “Alaah midah, salah satu dua mana ada fail.” “I know you passed, no doubt.” “Belum keluar lagi resultnya. Dah keluar nanti tau lah.”

But I know the results already.

Yesterday I was telling myself that this is the first time I actually settled for a failure. I knew I was going to fail. I was ready to fail. I knew that the effort I put is not enough for my to succeed, so I got myself ready to face failure. I thought I was ready. But no.

I’ve never settled for a failure. And I guess I’m not now, either. Last week, I almost lost hope. I was telling myself to just cancel the registration for the exam and retreat. I can always do it again some other time. But no. I forced myself to look at the bright side. I had another week, I can study. I can succeed. One whole week I put aside every single thing other than MFE and focused solely on this exam, with hopes that I can still pass. And up till yesterday, looking at the scores of my practice exams, I knew I was going to fail. I thought I was ready to fail.

But today, I am not.

I’ve failed my MFE exam, therefore I’ve failed my whole life. If I can’t do Math, what else can I do?

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