Monday, November 02, 2009 12:51

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

I had just wasted one whole week studying for a crappy exam. I had just waster $100++ for a crappy exam. I had just skipped at least 3 classes for a crappy exam.

And because of it all, I now know that my plate is too full, overflowing, and worse, my academics are the ones that had to be sacrificed.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry ma, ayah.

I’m sorry cikgu2.

I’m sorry kawan2.

I’m sorry MARA.

I’m sorry semua orang yang has brought me here. I’ve failed all of you.

I’ve been so unfair. But I can’t be selfish.

So how?

I had just finished my third actuarial exam, Modeling in Financial Economics (MFE). Guess what? No one is going to believe if I say that I failed that exam. Mesti semua orang kata, “Alaah midah, salah satu dua mana ada fail.” “I know you passed, no doubt.” “Belum keluar lagi resultnya. Dah keluar nanti tau lah.”

But I know the results already.

Yesterday I was telling myself that this is the first time I actually settled for a failure. I knew I was going to fail. I was ready to fail. I knew that the effort I put is not enough for my to succeed, so I got myself ready to face failure. I thought I was ready. But no.

I’ve never settled for a failure. And I guess I’m not now, either. Last week, I almost lost hope. I was telling myself to just cancel the registration for the exam and retreat. I can always do it again some other time. But no. I forced myself to look at the bright side. I had another week, I can study. I can succeed. One whole week I put aside every single thing other than MFE and focused solely on this exam, with hopes that I can still pass. And up till yesterday, looking at the scores of my practice exams, I knew I was going to fail. I thought I was ready to fail.

But today, I am not.

I’ve failed my MFE exam, therefore I’ve failed my whole life. If I can’t do Math, what else can I do?

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Tuesday, August 11 2009 8:27

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

Alhamdulillah, I’m safely back at home now, after a 10-day trip to the country downunder. And I must say, it is all about timing. All about timing. Two weeks before the trip, I was stressed out, ’stoned to death’, and very much needed to leave the life I had. I tried to leave, took almost two weeks discussing about it, but was not able to. And just then, I was leaving for this trip. And even better, I met up with a good friend at the early start of the trip. It is all about timing. And now, alhamdulillah, it’s a new fresh start.

Just feel like sharing.

Background story: My brother’s graduation was last week, so all of us (six altogether) packed up and went for a 10-day vacation in Australia.

Day 01: Fri, July 31

I slept really late last night, perhaps at 3 or 4 a.m. Had a lot of unfinished business I needed to take care of before leaving for the trip. Feels like I’m leaving for a very long time. Well, ten days is pretty long, for someone who works on a day-to-day schedule. Our flight with AirAsiaX was around 1p.m. so we had a light lunch at LCC Terminal, KLIA, at MarryBrown for a light lunch, and something, or perhaps someone interesting happened. Throughout our lunch, I noticed a few guys sitting just beside our table. Sekali pandang, teringat kat MISG. It was nothing unusual until we were getting ready to leave. My dad was teaching us how to wear the mask when one of the men asked, “Nak pergi mana ni sampai pakai mask?” My dad answered, “Melbourne,” They started chatting soon after and if you know my dad, you won’t be surprised if they continue to talk for hours. I was talking to my younger sister when my dad called and said, “Ni, dari WAMY,” while pointing to the man he was talking to. My dad knows that WAMY was one of our sponsors for the Summer Camp two weeks ago. And of course, now, we (he and I) were talking - about MISG, the camp, some of the people he knows in the US etc. Throughout the conversation, I was thinking, “WAMY? Seriously? Of all the people I could meet, I met the Director of WAMY?” What are the odds.

We arrived in Melbourne around 11p.m. Of course, after going out of the arrival doors, I saw my brother with his new videocamera. It has been quite a while since I last saw him, perhaps 2.5 or 3 years. We settled in at the hotel around 1a.m.

Day 2: Sat, Aug 1

First day at Melbourne. Yup, I was at Melbourne. After all this years dreaming about it, that day, I actually grasp the idea that I am at Melbourne, Australia. We first went to Victoria Market to look for souvenirs. You might think that people usually buy their souvenirs at the second half of their trip, but we bought it on our first days. Up next is the University of Melbourne - my dream university, my father’s university, my friend’s university - all the reasons to visit it. We went through the Medical buildings, my dad’s old place, and a few other nostalgic places he wished to visit. After walking around the campus area, I met up with my dear friend, Zaid, who’s currently studying there and took us all for lunch at a lebanese restaurant, Tiba’s, at Brunswick. I had a great time catching up with him. Well, after all those problems, issues and dilemmas two weeks before, nothing beats meeting up with a friend.

Time was very limited as we only have until around six before nightfall so we then head straight to St Kilda where we were to stay for the night, and later to Monash University - mom’s turn for a nostalgic walkthrough.

Background story: My father was studying at Uni of Melbourne while my mother went to Monash Uni when they met. The two unis are about 40 mins from each other - more or less like UMich, AA to MSU, Lansing. They got married, and had their first child there. After that, they left and never returned to the place for about 25 years. So you can imagine how much nostalgia they have created and would like to revisit.

Day 3: Sun, Aug 2

Today, we’re off to Adelaide. Going from Melbourne to Adelaide, we took the coastal route passing through the Great Ocean Road - and they don’t call that for nothing: there’s a road, beside the ocean, and yes, it’s great! The clear water of the ocean, the cold breeze at the beach, the vast blue sky up above, and there was a rainbow just across the sky going over the hills.. masyaAllah. Of course, the road was worse than going to Kuala Pilah, NS but it was all worth it. I can go and sit there for hours and still love it.

But we had to head straight on as we need to get to Mt Gambier before it’s too dark. At least it was a whole day time of looking at the beautiful scenery of the ocean and stopped a few times where there’s a lookout.

Day 4: Mon, Aug 3

Similar to yesterday, today’s activities involved a lot of sitting in the car, driving from Mt Gambier to Adelaide. But today’s scenery wasn’t as much of the ocean, it was more of farms, farm animals and wineries. There were horses, cows, sheep and goats. The wineries are simply left with branches and sticks of wood with no leaves or fruits as it is the winter. My younger sister and I kept yelling out the animal each time we see them: “Horses!” “Sheep!” “Cows!”

Later that evening, we arrived at Adelaide. The whole trip yesterday and today was almost 1000km! We went to Coles (a supermarket) to buy some groceries as we’ll be cooking for the next five or so days we’ll be in Adelaide. And we all had an early night in after the long hours of driving (and be driven, as for me).

Day 5: Tue, Aug 4

The adventure begins today as we went to explore Adelaide. First up, Adelaide Hills! Background story: Adelaide (the city) is located in a valley surrounded by many hills and there are many small towns around these hills - they aren’t mountains, just hills. We visited quite a numberincluding a visit to see the Rocking Horse, the Chocolate Factory, and the Cheese Factory. We went back to the city right after lunch as my brother needs to get ready for his ceremony taking place the day after. While he was checking out his gown and cap, I took a lil visit to their Islamic prayer room at the Uni of Adelaide. If you were blindfolded from Malaysia and arrive at the prayer room, you’ll think that you’re still in Malaysia. First was the structure - it’s really big, has a divider between gents and ladies, and separate areas for taking wudhu’, just like any other suraus. Second was the people - there was as many Malaysians in the room as you can ever imagine. Well, that’s partly my fault as I didn’t expect Malaysian Muslims in Australia to be that many. Compared to Ann Arbor, even our Islamic Center isn’t as ‘Malaysian’ as their prayer room, let alone our prayer rooms.

Then of course, we took a lil tour around the campus and nearby areas. Two things: One, Uni of South Australia is just next door, like seriously one step to the side. No wonder we (my family) can never remember which uni my brother actually went to - confused. Two, at the Uni of Adelaide, there’s a court names after our Ex-Sarawak MB, YB Taib Mahmud. We were pretty shocked when we first saw it at the map, then my brother explained that he is an alumni and has many significant contributions to the university. Wow, am I proud to be a Malaysian.

We visited Port Adelaide that evening just in time for sunset. For those who already knows, you can’t really see sunset during winter time. There just aren’t one. Oh well, a visit to the port was nice too.

Day 6: Wed, Aug 5

The climax of the trip - the graduation ceremony. My brother, particularly, woke up early that day to prepare for his big day. All cameras were charged, all shirts ironed, all eyes opened for D-day. We arrived at the hall around 10 mins before the ceremony started and got a seat half way to the back. I must say, it’s a pretty simply, short, and quick ceremony. Perhaps because it’s the winter graduation ceremony, or perhaps because it’s engineering (if you know what I mean). Although we were done early in the hall, we took a great deal of time outside - taking pictures, more and more pictures, formal and informal pictures, and lastly refreshments and solat. We let my brother savor the moments of this day as he only get that graduation gown for 2 (at most 3) hours.

That evening, we crossed the road from the campus to the biggest (and only) mall in the city area - Rundle Mall. Shopping has always been a challenge for me, but my sister and mom got themselves something. Later that evening, hurrying before the park closes, we head to Cleland Wildlife Park, Home of the Koalas. My younger sister who has a sudden craze for koalas insisted that we go to the park that day. We went in and head straight to the koala area. There were quite a number of koalas eating and sleeping at their resting area - they are huge! We then went to the place where you can touch, pet, hold and take pictures with them - and we did! My sister got to hold the koala and we all took a picture together. The whole time we were petting him, the koala named Jay, was eating eucalyptus… non stop. No wonder he weights 10 kilo!

That night, we had a dinner with my brother’s ‘mentor’ (I think!). He’s an engineer with his own lab near the university. He’s working on this project in getting Nobel Laurettes to come from Africa to Adelaide, then to Malaysia for us to gain something from them - a start to aim for a Nobel Laurette from Malaysia. He’s also working on a project about teaching electronics to kids at an early age that he’s luring my brother to get involved in. Interesting guy, very interesting.

Day 7 - Thu, Aug 6

Today, we head on south of Adelaide to Victor Harbor. At first we wanted to visit a Trout Farm in Goolwa but unfortunately, it’s closed. We then had lunch and head to Victor Harbor. There was an island at VH where you can see the penguins, esp during sunset - and we got to see some of ‘em. It was from afar, but we could see them. As we couldn’t do much at the harbor, we went to play mini-golf near the bridge to the island. It was quite fun, though none of us actually knows how to play golf. My younger sister got lucky with a hole in one (out of the almost-ten holes that we played)!.

Water is the most calming element out of the four - Earth, Wind, Fire, Water. And for me who needed (and still needs) a lot of calmness and tranquility at that time was very grateful to encounter with a lot of the element - the beach, the ocean, the harbor. A lot of things were messed up and I see no way out except to stay in the tangle of mess, but with some help from the element, at least the mess won’t look too bad.

Day 8 - Fri, Aug 7

Friday was the last day we were to stay at Adelaide. Tomorrow, we’ll start our journey back to Melbourne. My older sister had her own agenda - South Australian Living Artist (SALA) Festival. It’s a festival throughout the whole city, and the whole of South Australia, where artists showcase their work both to show and to sell. Being that her ambition is to become an artist, she went around the city looking for inspirations from those artists. We (the others) went elsewhere. First, we took a trip to Central Market, in search of some last minute souvenirs, as well as some produce for our last night. Then, we head to Westfield Shopping Center as my mom wanted some Corelle. My brother and younger sister went for bowling while I went window shopping.

That evening, we had dinner with my brother’s silat teacher (a Malay Singaporean) and another Malay Singaporean couple who had just immigrated to Adelaide. Many stories were shared about the hardship of a Malay Singaporean that I find very interesting - they sound like the Chinese Malaysians, more or less. Being a minority, many of ‘em has immigrated to Australia as it’s not too far while the standard of living is waaay better (I would prefer the US but any developed country would do). You think that Singapore is more developed than Malaysia? Think again. It’s like all of Selangor crammed in a small island, my guess. The education system, financial or economic system, or even the standard of living are nowhere better than Malaysia - except perhaps their currency is a lil higher, but that doesn’t proof anything.

Day 9 - Sat, Aug 8

The vacation is nearing to an end. We left Adelaide that day and head to Melbourne. Again, most of them time were spent on the road and nothing else. This time, we took the shortest route to Melbourne which is about 700km. The scenery this time was more or less farm animals and wineries as well. We stopped by Horsham to look at some White Kangaroos, and slept at Stawell for the night. Nearing to Horsham and Stawell, the Grampians were in sight - the mountains. And they are far bigger, greater (in size) compared to the hills in Adelaide. At first my dad wanted to attempt to go towards the mountain, but none of us were in favor as there’s a 90 percent chance that someone will start throwing up half way.

Day 10 - Sun, Aug 9

And we’re heading to Melbourne. From Stawell, it’s not that far back to Melbourne anymore. We stopped at Ballarat, hoping to visit Sovereign Hill where the gold-mining area were recreated. Unfortunately, the entrance fees were too expensive (AU$39 per adult) that we decided to forgo it. Instead, we went to this market called “Trash and Trivia”. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. Although none of us found any treasure there, I actually find the idea very interesting. I know in the US there’s a lot of garage sale or yard sale, but to organize a large combined yard sale would be way better. I’d put this up for UMiMSA’s ideas for activities already.

Later that evening, we arrived at Melbourne. First, we went to St Kilda as there’s a Sunday Art Market near the Art Center where they sell many kinds of arts and crafts. My sister was after the arts, but my brother saw something else - a Turkish snack called Gozleme that he missed very much. We then walked over to the city and had a glimpse of Melbourne city. I got hold of my dear friend Kelly who’s studying at the Uni of Melbourne (that I couldn’t get hold of earlier) but she was a bit busy with studying that I couldn’t catch her.

We wanted to eat something good, but was to lazy to search. Funny story - we actually went back to the lebanese restaurant that we went early, the one Zaid brought us. We ordered something a lil different this time, but it was funny that we actually went back to the same restaurant (this time without Zaid, of course). We had an early night in that night as we have an early start the next day.

Day 11 - Mon, Aug 10

My brother’s flight was at 8.30am so we all left the hotel at around seven in the morning - very early for everyone. After sending him, and our rental car, we head to the Tullamarine Airport for our flight back to KL. At around 10am, we said our goodbyes to Melbourne and left for Malaysia. We safely arrived at around 4p.m. and got home just in time before Maghrib.

Alhamdulillah, each and everyone of us had a great time during the trip and have safely arrived home.

To a fresh new start.

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Friday, July 31 2009 1:21

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

My thoughts:

there are 2 stupid ways how you can perform suicide: (1) jump off a building, or (2) work your ass off until you don’t even have a life.

(1) is mainly because I’m reading this book entitled “It’s a long way down” by Nick Hornby. It’s about this 4 persons who wanted to end their life and suddenly met at the same top of the building. After some conversations, they became ‘friends’ with no strings attached. Though I haven’t finished it yet, so I can’t tell you the ending.

The (2) is because I just did so. At least I think so. Interning at Prudential takes a lot of my time, during the weekdays. At night, I only have a couple of hours to perform all my other responsibilities (e.g. societies, classes, friends, social etc). And over the weekend, I would be too lazy to leave town as I do leave town every single day. It was too much that I had to quit my research position with my faculty advisor (it’s a paid job that I secured before coming back home and is done all online). And the last two weeks, with some emotional issues going on, I felt like quitting everything. Yes. Every single thing. But perhaps not life. Quit school. Quit my job. Quit my career. Quit all societies. You get the picture.

But fortunately, the same driving force that let me down brought me up back again. Not only that I have finished my Life Plan over the past couple of weeks, I manage to get a lot of things done as well. However, I realize that I deserve a proper vacation. And that start tomorrow. Tomorrow, my journey to Australia will start.

It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey.

Start with the end in mind.

Two contradicting statements. Funny, huh? Which one do I follow? Well, technically, if you don’t have a destination, you won’t have a journey. It’s like walking in the dark - you can continue walking on and on, without having a clue where you’re going to. But you can neither have a destination without a journey. Going from point A to point B, however short it is, is still a journey. And any journey must be made worthwhile.

Do pray that it’ll be so.

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Wednesday, July 22 2009 20:10

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

It was only recently that I realized that I haven’t been supplying good news to my dear blog lately - all bad ones. Fortunately, I am doing fine, very well indeed.

For starters, my family and I will be leaving to Melbourne, Australia in a week and a half. Initially, I was the one who was getting the tentative and accommodations ready, but considering that I work more hours than my sisters, my dad passed the tasks to my older sister. I’m not exactly keeping track of the latest activities, but I’m sure that she’s doing fine.

My internship is doing well too. I might not be the best person to perform the work I’m assigned to, but I sure am learning stuff. It’s a bit hard as I have no background in accounting or taxation, but I’m doing my best to learn. My colleagues are great too. The work environment is a bit tense, but I’m taking it easy. And I love my boss! :-)
Last week was STC. Overall, it was a pretty good as I get to meet many of my seniors (and get to know a bit more) as well as get to know my juniors-to-be. There were some ‘unwanted’ incidents that happened, but nothing beats meeting friends. Plus, I lost two pounds last weekend. Finally, a diet that works! I should really go for a camp more often…

Also, my aim to have a complete life plan by the end of the summer is going pretty well too. I’m almost done, except for one huge section: career. I’m hoping that I can get that one ready by the end of the month. It shouldn’t be much of a problem, just need some time to think.

Two days ago, I realized that my life is like a roller coaster - it has it’s up and down, but it’s going too fast that I can’t even take a break. If I do break, even for a bit, I’d crash or have an accident. My only choice is to simply continue and do my best until the end, enjoy the ride :)

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Thursday, July 16 2009 21:58

In the Name of ALLAH, Most Gracious Most Merciful

Something happened today.

I don’t know if it’s a ’something bad’ or ’something good’. Because it didn’t quite happen. And the only way to know is for me to actually do it. And if it were to be something bad…. then… well, I don’t want something bad to happen.

It’s like, catching a cold, given that you were about to enter a train but you don’t know if there are passengers with a cold that would affect you. If there were, you’re unlucky that you’ll catch the cold and would have to suffer for a very long period of time. But if there aren’t, then you simply don’t get it and continue with your life as is.

I was walking back from the office, using my usual route to head to Dang Wangi LRT Station. As usual, near the Bukit Nanas Monorail station at the intersection of Jalan Ampang and Jalan Sultan Ismail, there were some flyer-givers standing, waiting for passer-bys. I was one of their victim. At first, they just followed me, trying to give me a flyer — talking, explaining what they are all about. They then persuaded me to open this little paper to see if I’ve won any discounts that I can use to buy their products. I tried to tell them that I’m catching the train, but they argued that it won’t take long.

I know, I’m easy.

I then opened the paper, and the word “Congratulations!” and a few pictures of cars and showrooms were on it. I gave the piece of paper to him, and he went ashocked! He looked at it again and again, being amazed, and quickly called over his friend. They explained what it means — that I could win one of those in the pictures, and they, in return, would get $1,200. It’s kind of a win-win situation for them and me. Excited, they said that all I need to do is go down for them to take the company stamp and to verify that I have no (familial) relation to the salesperson. They continued on and on about how great it was and how I was very lucky, and the next thing I know, I was walking down the footsteps and following the guy to his car. But then I stopped.

It was a huge black car, and the salesperson quickly went in to the driver’s seat. My face changed immediately. His friend, who was talking to me throughout the walk, tried to ensure that they meant no harm and all they need is the company stamp. At that moment, all my trust were gone. All kinds of bad things that could happen crossed my mind. For all I know, they could simply get me near the car, bang me in the head and kidnap me. Even worse, rape me. Even worse, cut me into pieces (although I don’t know what benefit would this bring to them). But at that time, my mind were all negative. There were no more of those they-are-just-some-salesperson-who’s-trying-to-make-a-living thoughts. I told them that it is inappropriate and if it’s just a stamp, they can definitely take it out and we can deal with it outside. They kept on insisting and ensuring that they mean no harm. They even mention (and kept pointing) about the ‘office’ that is overseeing them. After a while (of persuasion), the ‘officer’ came and tried to settle things. Apparently, he’s just another salesperson. In my mind, I kept having negative feelings that they might all just be a fraud. The ‘officer’ also wore the same shirt, and also tried to ensure me that nothing bad will happen. At the end, he said that if I don’t want to, I don’t have to. Then, I said, ‘Well, then. Fine. I won’t do it. Thanks, anyway,’ I turned and walked away. I walked up the stairs and continued my journey. After a few steps, one of the sales person ran and tried to catch me. Oh. My. Gosh. He explained again, and tried to ensure me, again, that no harm will be done.

There are very few times that I’ve actually get mad at people, let alone raise my voice. But then was one of it. I sort-of yelled at him and told him that although I don’t know what will happen if I had gone through. I can’t remember the details, but I can remember that he continued talking even after I was done. I simply walked away and ignored him.

I was furious. Of course I don’t know what’s gonna happen. It could have just been that they were sincere and I was reading it differently. It could have just been that it was really just a company stamp and I could have won a car or something. But it could also be the worse. And when the signs are all there, I simply would not want to take the risk. I’ve already lost a few minutes of my time, I don’t want to lose even more.

Talk to me about trust, and I’ll tell you about honesty.

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